Your mom is so fat Buzz Lightyear had to say "To infinity to beyond" to leave her house.
House Jokes
It was an important knockout game for Al Nassr. I came to Riyad to see my idol Cristiano Ronaldo play. It was my dream for a long time. I took a cab to the stadium, but the driver dropped me off at a haunted house instead.
As soon as I entered the house, I saw a ghost, but the very next moment I realized it's my idolo Ronaldo. Thank you Ronaldo for meeting me!
Why did the house go to the doctor?
Because it had a window pane.
Why did the mailman come to the house?
To come back with the milk.
Why did the pig decline to go to the farmer's house?
He would take him to a "pignic."
Yo mama so fat, when she went to bed, the house shook.
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
Q: How do you know if an Asian broke into your house?
A: All your homework and the Rubik's cube you spent a year on and still canāt solve is solved. š¤š¤š¤š¤
"Hola soy Dora, do you see Donald Trump? Thatās right, heās at my house, and heās building a wall to separate me and Caillou. And Mami wonāt let him, so she was walled alive!"
Why did Jordan cross the road? So he could get to his house.
An American and a Russian are talking. The American says, "We in America have the best democracy. We can stand in front of the White House and shout with impunity: \"The American President is a moron!\""
"We can do that too," says the Russian, walking with the American to the Kremlin and shouting: "The American President is a moron!"
So, this guy, right? He has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog.
About 2 weeks after he loses everything, he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "What do you mean by 'blowing chunks'?" says the boss. The man replies with, "Chunks is the name of my dog..."
Why can orphans never walk home?
Because there's no way to go.
How do I fix a broken light bulb? I don't. I simply blow up the house.
Yo mama's so dumb, when a robber stole her TV, she said, "You forgot the remote!"
Me, calls the police*
Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!
Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.
Me: Why, so you can then stop me?
Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!
Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!
Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!
Why can't orphans play baseball? They donāt know where home is.
I made a website for orphans, but it doesn't have a home page.
Doctor: Iām going to have to turn you away. Orphan: But why? Doctor: Because Iām a family doctor.
Why do orphans like boomerangs? Cause they come back.
Why do orphans become criminals? To know what itās like to be wanted.
Girls are like rocks; the flat ones get skipped.
Whatās an orphanās least favorite TV show? Family Guy.
If you hit an orphan, what are they going to do? Tell their parents?
If you hit an orphan with a car, at least you don't have to tell their parents.
Why did the orphan go to church? So he had someone to call Father.
What does an orphan call a family photo? A selfie.
Why was the orphan a big success? Cause people say go big or go home, he only had one option.
Why is it ok to hit an orphan? Itās not like they can tell their parents.
Whatās an orphanās least favorite store? Home Depot.
What do orphans and blind kids have in common? They canāt see their parents.
Why can't orphans hear about ancient Egypt? Because they donāt know what a mummy is.
Why are orphans bad at poker? Because they don't know what a full house is.
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.
One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.
I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!
A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."
Shut the fuck up, you fat bitch. You always like to roast others, but you can't walk up the stairs without passing out, you fat, stupid bitch. And I caught you breaking into someone's house just to steal a piece of candy, fat-ass bitch.
