When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
House Jokes
When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”
What record did Obama prove during his presidency?
No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.
Why is Donald Trump so desperate to break into the White House?
Most landlords cannot lease their properties to him due to the fact that he is a felon.
What’s a rapper’s favorite part of the house?
The rhyme cellar.
How does a rapper clean his house?
With a LIL' SCRUB.
Why did the short person bring a ladder to the bar?
Because they heard the drinks were on the house!
How does a rapper clean their house?
With a BEAT BRUSH!
What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?
Yo mama so dumb, when the bartender said "beer is on the house" she grabbed a ladder.
Yo, Leo, are you an interior decorator? Because when you enter a room, it becomes EMPTY!
Why does rapeboat like going to the dog shelter? It's cheaper than a whore house.
A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"
She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."
Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"
Guys, I promise I’m not suicidal, I just like dark things.
*proceeds to walk around the house with headphones in and stare at the ceiling while laying down on the couch*
I think it’s dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen.
How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned?
I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.
He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.
How is a marriage like a hurricane?
In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.
Hillary Clinton is elected president...
And on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."
A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar.
They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about their opinions on elements.
The redhead says, “I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it.”
The brunette says, “I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars.”
The blonde says, “I have 2 bags of silicon and you should see the cars outside my house.”
