Hospital jokes
Why can’t orphans go to the hospital? Because they don’t get homesick.
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.
"Give me the good news first," the patient said.
"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."
"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"I've been trying to reach you for two days."
I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.
You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.
Me running out of the hospital after telling COVID patients to stay "positive."
A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Fella walks past a mental hospital; they're all out in the garden behind this big fence, all shouting "13, 13, 13, 13," etc., over and over again.
This fella is intrigued, sees a little hole in the fence, looks through it... gets fucking poked straight in the eye!
Then they all start singing, "14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14!"
Am I the only one here that actually tried to kill myself 15 times and failed every time and landed up in the hospital every time?
A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."
My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What did the bird go to the hospital for?
For tweetment!
Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.
My mom said I rely on my devices too much, so I unplugged her life support.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Why is it painful to have your attorney with you in the hospital?
The damages are severe.
TRUE STORY!
X-Ray Tech: I broke my arm and went to the hospital. The X-Ray Tech was the hottest blonde I've ever seen.
I threw her ass down on the X-Ray table, ripped her clothes off, ripped off mine and I jumped on top of her!
Then I put the X-ray machine on top of us, turned it on and I looked up on the X-ray monitor and I watched and saw my sperm swimming up inside her!
When you were born, your mom said you were out of bounds, so you went flying out of the hospital.
You were born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.
What is the perfect job for a pedophile?
A physical doctor for kids.