Horror jokes
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh at the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."
What’s something Bill Cosby and Freddy Krueger have in common?
Once you fall asleep, you’re fucked.
What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?
"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"
You call it a burning orphanage. I call it FNAF lore.
What is a necrophile's least favorite game?
The Walking Dead.
Are you a haunted house?
Cuz I am gonna be screaming when I come inside you.
What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
100 dead babies in a trash can.
What is worse than that?
There's a live one at the bottom.
What is worse than that?
It eats its way out.
What is worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I had no idea why though...
Then IT hit me.
They should bring Michael Jackson back from the dead so he can star in the Peter Pan horror movie.
Sans: What do you have there?
Frisk: A KNIFE!
Sans: NOO!!!
What did Bonnie say to Chica?
"Go kill yourself, dumbass bitch."
"Knock knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Baby!"
"Baby who?"
"Do you want to eat this baby that I have prepared?"
"No thanks, I already ate."
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks, “A Bloody Mary?”
The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me.”
“Hot water?”
“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea.”
What's worse than 1000 dead babies hanging off a tree?
1 dead baby hanging off 1000 trees.
What's a reversed exorcism?
It's when it's the demon who's telling the priest to get out of the child's body.
Yo mama so fat that Hannibal Lecter couldn't eat her up.
Have you heard of the new sequel to "The Exorcist"?
A woman hires the devil to get a priest out of her son.
Yo mama so ugly she the reason why Slender Man has no eyes.
Why could the zombie not clap? Because it was dead, duh!
What’s worse than nailing 10 babies to 1 tree?
Nailing 1 baby to 10 trees.