Home Jokes

I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.

I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.

Now I can’t get it to shut up.

If the moon landing was fake, so is your house.

What is an orphan's favorite naval film?

"Spider-Man: No Way Home."

Another condom name is "Orphan's Home."

What can't play home in baseball? They don't have one.

Why are orphans bad at baseball?

They don't have a home plate.

I kept asking these kids where their parents are, and they started crying. I walked away laughing, thinking I love my job at an orphanage.

The orphan asked a genie to become Batman. Then he went home and saw his parents dead.

I once saw an orphan... I decided to ask them a simple question... "Hey! Where is your family?"

They didn't reply.

I kept asking them. They started crying. I started laughing. They ran away...

I tried to tell an orphan a knock-knock joke, but sadly, there was no door to knock on.

Why can't I touch little old women, but nursing home nurses can?

My mom once ate a full giant cheesecake, and we were walking to our flight back home, and she had to sh*t.

We were walking to the bathroom, and she full on [did it] in front of the carousel. She had a lump of poo in her pants... True story, haha!

Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.

"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.

"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.

And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."

A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,

"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."

To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."

To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

Tell him to clap until his parents come home.

If all your clothes were stolen, what would you go home in?

The dark.

Why do orphans like the movie Home Alone?

Because they're home alone themselves!

I wrote down a speech at home yesterday.

When I got to school, I was speechless.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.

Earth is full. Go home!