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Home jokes

I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

What's the worst part about burning your vegetables before dinner?

Explaining what happened to the nursing home while you're hungry.

How do you know when you are dating a cannibal?

You go to the beach, he offers to put suntan oil on you, and the brand name is Wesson.

You are having sex and he says he wants to eat your a$$ and you notice he is holding a knife and fork.

He invites you to his home to use the hot tub and it is heated by a wood fire.

You are having an argument and you say "bite me" and he starts to sharpen his teeth.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

I remember locking my door, but then I went downstairs to hear someone say, "I'm inside your home." I said, "GTFO my house, BICH!"

What is the difference between a preschool and my basement?

Little kids leave preschool.

  • 9

    • When you get home and see your parents with your grades in their hands.

    Twenty minutes later, they're slapping you with the belt.

    When your grades get mailed to your house when you expect to get them in school.

    When you get home, your mom is there with the belt, going 1k miles per hour.

    I got the newest Call of Duty game! I got a 200 kill streak, then I went home and played COD.

    Bob, why are you kicking the kids?

    What, it's not like they have a home to go to.

    Three men were lost in the desert and found a genie who granted each of them a wish.

    The 1st man wished he was home with his family. The 2nd man wished he was home with his family, and the 3rd man wished they were all back together again.

    Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor jokes?

    It can't hit home.

    What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?

    They both have no way home!

  • 2

    • A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

    The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

    I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.

    I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.

    Now I can’t get it to shut up.