Home jokes
How many dead strippers does it take to change a light?
At least 13 because my basement is still dark.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They can't find home.
Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.
A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.
Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"
Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.
How did the computer get out of the house?
He used windows.
What store has the most vegetables?
A nursing home.
I shit on your furniture.
Teacher: Where's your homework?
Student: At home...
Teacher: What's it doing there?
Student: Having a better time than me.
My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.
The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? -- In an American nursing home.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"
"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?
Honey, I'm home!