Him jokes

I saw a kid in a wheelchair and I screamed, "EXTREME PARKOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Imagine if the kid in a wheelchair was in Fast and Furious. His wheelchair is the only one that keeps him going.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask him what period it came from.

There was an exam music quiz question about Gary Glitter. Now, if there's anyone you don't want to associate with the phrase "shh, turn over, you've got an hour," it's him.

Shit, my bad. I should leave him alone, he just wants to settle down and have kids.

I told an orphan that I watch Family Guy, and he seemed disappointed, so I reminded him that he has no family.

There was a Cheerio that had a job. He worked hard at it, and the boss came up and promoted him to the vice president of the Cheerios. So he needed a speech. He kept practicing and practicing and now he was thirsty. It was almost time for his speech, so he went to the drinking fountain, but there was a huge line. So he went to the lake, but he saw tons of garbage and what he thought was a cereal killer. So he found this bowl of punch, but he realized... there was no punchline.

My mom gives me your stuff because you have bad grades.

Me: How about my 5 little brothers? I have A's; he has F's.

She lets him play anyway and I don't.

What are Michael Jackson's favorite sodas? Yoo-hoo-hoo and Mountain Dew-hoo-hoo. What cola company should people get to keep him at bay? Pep-see-hee.

How do you anger a democrat?

Don't tell him the truth.

Why did my dad leave me and my mum?

I told him it wasn't big enough and then ran off saying, "Daddy, yeeeees!"

I'm happy that I named my dog "I Know What You Did." It's funny to see how much people get scared when I call him.

Me: Stops the quiet kid from getting bullied.

Him: Don't come to school tomorrow, trust me.

Me: "/"

A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”

A guy in a Costco was pretty pissed off at something. A guy walks up to him and says, "What's wrong, pal? Don't worry, it's not like you're on an abandoned aisle!"

I saw an orphan on the road. I asked him if he's an orphan. The kid says, "Yeah, what gave it away?"

I say, "Your parents."

Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.

You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."

...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"

Chemistry joke: Why did the Superman being normal people when a krypton was at him?

Because krypton is "stable."

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

Where has God existed outside of a man's awareness of him?

I saw a kid crying and I asked him where his parents are.

I love my job at the orphanage.

One time I saw a kid crying, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage!