HI jokes

"Hi, this is Stephanie. I was a little bit of a walk."

My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

In order to get $355 million for his civil fraud case, Donald Trump desperately needed to fundraise. So, in every Republican Party event, he will serve the Patriotic Trump Dog! It consists of an 80-year-old sausage inside a 10-year-old cream bun, topped with Russian dressing.

Trump does have the best people, doesn't he?

Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."

I saw a little kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage.

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

Why does Donald Trump have a fervent crush on the Russian president?

He is Putin his dick where it don't belong!

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “We'll see about that.” Then I unplugged his life support.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell him to clap until his parents come home.

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

How did Donald Trump win Alabama twice?

By declaring that he has a crush on his daughter!