New Healthcare Jokes

The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.

Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.

I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.

Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.

Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?

I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.

Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?

A: "It's me, Luigi!"

Why is there no medication in Africa?

Because doctors advised, "You don't take it on an empty stomach."

What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?

The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!

Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.

Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

Because you can’t take medicine on an empty stomach.

Are you a mental hospital? Cause I need to be in you.

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

Q. What do you say when your friend has an abortion?

A. May your baby rest in pieces.

What [is] another name for an abortion?

Canceling your delivery.

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

Patient: Oh, doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

Woman: Doctor, doctor, I've been raped.

Doctor: Sex is good for you!

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”