Have jokes

Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...

My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!

Why are there only 363 days in an orphan's calendar? They don't have Father's or Mother's Day.

"Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live." "1......2......3 .....4....5..." Did you notice you said nothing at all?

What do depressed people and Apple's have in common?

They both hang from trees.

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church, and the priest says, "What about the children?" The rabbi says, "Fuck the children." And the priest says, "Do you think we'll have time?"

Me: Have you ever went sky diving?

Friend: No.

Me: Well don't, it sucks.

Friend: Why?

Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Oh cool, something we have in common."

What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make a loud noise when thrown.

Brojobs are like air. It's not important until you don't have any.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

Do you have dark humor?

Actually, never mind. I was going to tell you a joke about babies dying... but I decided to abort.

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.

It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

Bro, Asian girls have the weirdest names. I was fucking one and she kept on saying, "I'm Tu Yung."

What do emos and apples have in common?

They both hang on trees.

If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?

10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.

If you say to someone, "Have a nice day!" it will make them happy. If you say, "Enjoy the next 24 hours," they'll be terrified.

What do strippers and peanut butter have in common? They both spread for bread.

What does a relationship and suicide have in common?

I always fail on committing.