Have jokes

Stephen Hawking just died. Have they tried rebooting him to factory settings?

Why did Susie fall off the swing?

Because she didn't have any arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Susie.

What's the difference between a car and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a car in my garage.

Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.

One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.

For Stephen Hawking, why is being drunk and having his power shut out the same?

He blacks out.

Well, I don't have a joke but... I have a poem.

My dick is red, your pussy is blue. I... lied to you.

I have eaten 6 babies, 9 adolescent children, and 2 infants in the past week ;p

He might have been a Fortnite player. Respect him.

You know what really grinds my gears? Robots and liars...for example that Stephen Hawking fella. He sure looks and sounds like a robot!! And a major liar too! If he wanted to show me how smart he really was he would have figured out how to get up out of that four wheeler and tell me how smart he is!!!!!

Don't worry, Stephen Hawking isn't dead.

They have just got to copy and paste his memory onto a USB.

Have you seen the new movie "Constipated"?

No, it hasn't come out yet.

Why does Stephen Hawking have the voice of an angel?

Because no one has ever heard an angel talk.

In about ten days, Stephen Hawking's wheelchair is going to have its first and last service.

He's not dead, his batteries have run out.

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"

Three Europeans come to America. They are all captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a BANANA!!"

Have you ever heard of the eye tear?

Me either.

What's the difference between a BMW and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a BMW in my garage.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.

What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.

What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.

The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.

Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.

Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.