Have jokes
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.
Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.
When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.
"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.
Then it clicked.
"Ah, so that's how you died."
Hey, did you hear about the cat revolution? It was a cat-astrophy! I guess we just have to stay PAWSitive!
What's the best part about having emo grass?
It cuts itself!
Q: What do priests have in common with McDonald's?
A: They both put their meat in 13-year-old buns.
Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted.
Why are ant colonies very healthy? Because they have lots of antibodies.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a small dick. Too bad for her, because I give good sex.
What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Lambo in my garage.
Why didn't the skeleton want to make art anymore?
He didn't have the heart to put into it.
Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."
Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."
What body part do pigs have that humans don’t have?
A hambone.
A bear walks into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Can I have a grilled . . . cheese?"
The barkeep asks the bear, "What's with the big pause?" The bear says, "Well, I'm a bear."
So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.
On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"
Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.
On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.
On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"
Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I have schizophrenia,
And so do I.
How do you tell a child they have cancer?
With a smile on your face.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt, quack!
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
What is the best part about having sex with 43 year olds?
There are 40 of them.
What’s the coolest thing about having a 12 year old friend...
You get to meet Chris Hansen!