The thing about animals is every time you pick one up, you have to put it down.
What do you think of your mom? I have to go now and tyyyytt.
What is the difference between Hilary Duff and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Why you never have to give a balloon to Elsa?
Because she will let it goooooooooooooooo let it goooo!
Your forehead is so big you have to wear a hoodie for the Rock to see your ego because your forehead is so big.
The first time you have to do a full body workout in chess.
Why do people have a lot of money and they have to spend it on jewelry 24/7 all the time?
Your hairline goes so far back you have to wear sunscreen.
My girlfriend is so stupid, she asked me if I wanted to shower with her to save money on our water bill, while we were staying at a hotel where we didn't even have to pay the water bill.
When a 68 year old teacher says: "I am going to tackle an intruder if I have to!"
Me: "Oh hell nah"
Running out of time to cut the grass, may have to cut it short.
Yo mama so scary that the monsters have to look under the bed for her.
Yo mama so ugly that the monsters thought that she was their mother.
Do you know why people in wheelchairs don’t pay for them?
Because they have to pay for road tax.
Kid at Wish: I wish I could be Batman.
Doctor: Okay, shoots mum and dad. Doctor: I guess now you’ll have to be gay, you wanted to be like Batman.
My friend asked which is better to have, and you have to choose: autism or Down syndrome?
There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.
For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.
If Donald Trump gets any worse, they'll have to replace Air Force One with a short bus.
Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?
Why did orphans have to drink their own piss?
Because last time they went to the bar, they went with their dad and drank some Corona, then got drunk and started eating someone's toenails, so his dad went to go get the milk and everybody had to evacuate the bar. Then the orphan started walking on his teeth and got listed for the top ten wanted animals in the world, so then he felt wanted and went to go home and had nobody to go to, so he found the beer bottle he drunk out of and started pissing in it so he wouldn't die and loved it. So then someone saw him in the bushes pissing in a beer bottle then drinking, so the person who saw him started recording and posted it on YouTube, and the boy became famous, so now he can feel like he was wanted in life after daddy went to go get the milk, then the little boy became really rich.
Fat jokes and mom jokes😂
1. So fat when she sat on the toilet, she said, "A B C D E F G, get your fat ass off me."
2. So fat, your dad and her were in bed and tried to kiss. He’d have to slap her belly and ride the third wave up.
3. Yo mama so fat that when she went to Japan in a green bikini, they all started yelling, "Godzilla, Godzilla."
4. Your mama’s so fat when she went bungee jumping, she broke the bridge!
5. Bill was so fat when he stepped on the scale, it said "to be continued."
6. Yo mama so fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
