Halloween jokes
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?
What's a skeleton's favorite instrument?
A tromboner.
Tis the season to be spooky.
I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...
Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...
I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...
When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.
How do you know a vampire's sick?
If he's coffin (coughing?)
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he was part of the Lazy Bones team!
A kid is trick-or-treating. He knocks on a door. Then someone opens the door and the kid said, "HI, I'M THE WICKED WIENER!"
This guy tried to kill me, and I asked, "What is this? Friday the Thirteenth?" Michael replied, "Nah, it's Halloween."
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
I’m back and have a joke my friend said!
Person 1: My brother's Halloween costume is so ugly.
Person 2: What was it?
Person 1: He went as himself.
Why do a pedophile love Halloween?
Free delivery.
Yo mama so scary, the government moved Halloween to her birthday!
Guys, what should I be for Halloween (aka tomorrow)?
What is a pedophile's favorite part about Halloween? -- Free delivery.
What does an emo do on Halloween? They hang like a decoration.
Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.
You're so fat, the only thing you could be for Halloween is the Kool-Aid Man.
Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.
She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."
What is a paedo's favourite time of year?
Halloween because they get free delivery.
I'm not racist, my best friends are black for Halloween. :)