HA jokes

Anyone who says they don't like cats has never had one cooked right...

What store has the most vegetables?

A nursing home.

Johnny is on his way to school when he comes across a frog. With a sudden inspirational thought, he picks the frog up, shoves a firecracker up the frog's arse, lights the cracker, and blows the frog to smithereens.

Now at school, the teacher asks the class: "Has anybody got anything for show and tell this morning?"

Johnny waves his arm in the air and is virtually screaming "Me mis me mis me mis".

"Ok Johnny, what do you have to share with the class today?"

Little Johnny then says, "Well on my way to school today I shoved a cracker up a frog's arse." The teacher interrupts and says, "It's not arse Johnny, It's rectum."

Johnny then says, "Fucking oath it wrecked 'im."

Me be straight and bored.

Goes to my local bar which has a glory hole.

Out up spending the rest of the night there.

About to leave when, motherfucker, I realize I've been sucking a guy's cock this whole time.

):

What planet has a butt? Uranus!

What to gift a child molester who already has everything? A bigger county with more believers.

1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.

2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.

3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.

4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.

8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.

10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?

11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.

12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.

Sally has no arms. What did she get for Christmas? I don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.

This guy in a trench coat walks up to a kid, opens the trench coat and has glasses inside.

He says to the kid, “Hey kid, want some extra-see?”

What’s the difference between the Twin Towers and McDonald's?

McDonald's has a drive through. Twin Towers has a fly through.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Yo mama so hairy, her knuckles have sideburns.

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot Pakistan has ever seen, Allahu Akbar!

Why can't Heaven and Hell ever be one 2nd paradise?

Heaven always has 5-star reviews.

My stepdad has stage 4 cancer and is going through chemotherapy... at least he saves money on shampoo and conditioner.

What does a man have 3 of, which a girl only has 2 of?

Legs.

Sydney has a fat pair of spammy flaps that smell of fish 🎣.

If an orphan has a nightmare, they should run to their parents. Oh wait!

Has anyone alive ever died?

Is this our eternal life?

What do you call something that has 50 legs but can't walk? 25 disabled people!