The teacher called Little Johnny to her desk. She said: “This essay you’ve written about your pet dog is exactly the same essay your brother has written.”
“Of course it is,” said Johnny. “It’s the same dog.”
HA Jokes
What do you call a toy that has a story?
Toy Story.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing?
A: A knife has a point.
Me: "The villain has a point, you know."
Everyone else watching the WW2 documentary:
Has anybody else noticed that out of nowhere there are always tons of people online? It's kinda trippy if I'm being honest.
What's the difference between a McDonald's and the Twin Towers?
McDonald's has a drive-thru.
Why does an orphan go to church?
So it has someone to call father.
There were 5 people on an airplane.
1. The pilot 2. The businessman 3. The Minister 4. The school child 5. The Smartest person in the world
The plane takes off, a good, solid 1 hour in. The pilot comes out and says, "OK guys, I have good news and bad news."
"Bad News is the plane is gonna crash. The good news is that I have 4 parachutes."
The pilot says to his passengers, "Well I'm a pilot, I fly planes. People depend on me!" Took a parachute and went out.
The businessman stands up and says, "Well I'm a businessman, I run companies!" Took a parachute and went out.
The smartest person in the world stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person in the world. No one is smarter than me!" Took a parachute and went out.
Now the minister says to the school child, "Well God has given me a good life. I want you to take the last parachute," and the school child has a massive smile on her face and starts laughing all of the sudden and the minister says, "Why are you smiling?! We're about to die!!!!"
And the school child says to the minister, "Well actually [we're] not gonna die because there are still 2 parachutes left because the smartest person in the world just took my school bag!"
What falls first, an apple or an Emo kid?
An apple, because the Emo has a rope holding them.
"Your mum has very small balls. Congrats! I told her, your balls are bigger than your husband's."
My mom loves balls.
But my dad has been gone for the last 4 years.
Have you ever seen a blind man swim?
No.
Neither has he.
How do you know when a joke has turned into a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
Little Johnny has no arms. Knock, knock, who's there?
Not Johnny.
My "friend" has dyslexia.
What's green and has a thousand nipples?
A garbage bag in the alley behind a breast cancer clinic.
The Christian, the Buddhist, and the Muslim each go on a separate plane.
The Christian's and the Buddhist's flight goes well, but the Muslim's plane has a problem and crashes into two towers.
Three guys are standing in an alley on an alien planet, and the psycho one says, "However many tits your girl has is how many balls you have!"
The first guy says, "Ha! My girlfriend has six! I'm racked up!" The second guy said, "Eh, I am happy with two balls." The third guy said, "Shit! My girlfriend is flat as fuck!"
A guy listening in enters and says, "Bro, you actually have girlfriends. I do not. Does that mean I have a pussy?"
