Guys jokes

Three Indians get captured by an enemy leader, and the leader says, "Go in the woods and find 10 fruits of the same kind."

The first one comes back with apples. The enemy leader says, "Shove them up your butt and don't make a sound, or I will kill you." He gets to two and yells. The leader kills him. He goes up to heaven.

The second guy comes back and has grapes. He gets to 9 and laughs. The leader kills him. He goes to heaven.

The first guy asks the second guy why he laughed, saying he had it in the bag. The second guy said he saw the third guy carrying pineapples.

This gay guy was so happy with his new boyfriend that he took him to his favorite gay bar.

An hour or so goes by, then the new flame says, "I just LOVE this place, everyone is so nice, food is great, but what's up with the monkey way down there?"

His friend says "OK, watch this." He goes up behind the chimp and smacked him in back of its head. The monkey jumped off the stool, pulls down his zipper, and gives him head. When finished, the chimp took a napkin, cleaned himself, pulled up his zipper, then jumped back to his chair.

He walked back to his new gay friend and said, "What do you think of that?"

"MAN, I seen some amazing things, but never like that!" His squeeze said, "Wanna give it a try?"

"I sure do, JUST DON'T hit me as hard as you hit that monkey."

Things said by racist aliens:

"Some of my best friends are Green."

"I just know that Orange guy stole my spaceship."

"You're very pretty for a Purple girl."

"We know you Tentacletians like to rape everyone with your tentacles!"

"Adax Hitao should have finished off you Bluish people."

"You 2-headed people are so stupid!"

"No Slimatians are allowed in this restaurant because of health codes."

"Get the hell out of my store you grigger!"

"The Plu Plux Plum meeting is tonight! Let's burn some spaceships on the Greenies' lawns!"

Two guys are captured by native Chinese. They give them two choices: 1. Death. 2. 他妈的

The first guy: What's 他妈的?

The Chinese: Fucking.

The first guy chooses death.

Second guy to himself: Well, I'll let these sick fucks fuck me. At least I'll be alive...

The Chinese: Come on, we don't have all day.

Second guy: I choose 他妈的.

The Chinese: Ok, 他妈的 to the death!

What did the first guy say to the second?

Wanna shove a banana up yo ass?

"Bye bye guys, I'mma leave this shithole, but look at my post in the community tab."

[Link]

So, there's a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican. They find a genie's lamp, they rub it, and poof! Appears the genie!

The genie goes to the black guy and asks, "What's your one wish?" The black guy goes, "I wish for me and all my people to be back in Africa, happy and everything." So poof! His wish is granted.

Then, the genie goes to the Mexican and asks, "What's your one wish?" The Mexican goes, "I wish for me and all my people to be in Mexico, happy and everything." So poof! His wish is granted.

Now, the genie goes over to the white guy and asks, "What's your one wish?" and the white guy asks, "You mean to tell me that all the black and Mexican people are out of America?" The genie replies, "Yes."

The white guy goes, "Then I'll have a Coke."

2019 Senior Prank: Hey fellas, let's black out the school. Haha, we're so sneaky, oh yes!

2020 Senior Prank: Hey guys, I'm a tech whiz, let's spread a rumor on the internet saying a disease called the corona virus exists! Haha, it'd be so funny and good, even the whole world might fall for it!

Everyone in December 2020 looks at tech whiz: "...you son of a b*tch!!!"

Tech whiz: "You guys are the a**holes! I mean you fell for it for a whole year!"

What did the guy with two hands say to the guy with one hand?

"Hi-five!"

A guy on a bus saw a beautiful girl. He asked for her number, and of course, she said no. He asked the bus driver for advice, and he said, "That girl goes to the cemetery to pray every day at 10 p.m. and look for a statue of an angel." So he dresses up as God, goes to the grave, and she sees him. She says, "Oh, Lord, end my misery! Kill me now!" And he said, "Only if you do something for me first." She replied, "What is it, oh mighty Lord?" He said, "Have sex with me." She agreed. They had sex, and when she was done sucking his dick, he said, "I have something to tell you." He took off his costume and said, "I'm the guy from the bus." And she took off her costume: "I'm the bus driver."

(Does anyone remember this? It's an old joke someone made, or does no one remember this? I didn't make this, but it went smth like this)

Comedian: If you’re racist and you know it, clap your hands.

Guy 1 & Guy 2: 👏👏

Comedian: WTF bros!

Comedian: And one of you is black and one is white. How does that work?

Today I gave a blind guy a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. Since I have no fingerprints, the police said it was suicide. I guess you can say I took care of him!

Apparently Steven Hawking was a stand-up kind of guy.

Alicia was not a popular girl. None of the guys noticed her. Once she got a boyfriend, but then he cheated on her with Katy and said, "You're not sexy enough, Katy is much hotter."

So Alicia took a match, set herself on fire, and screamed, "THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!"

And then she died.

Three doctors go into a room to get rid of a dead guy's body. They notice when they walk over that he has a boner. The first doctor decides, "Why not fuck him? He still has a boner left in him." The second says, "Well, he's dead, and I am a virgin." The third one says, "I can't, I'm on my period," and then says, "Okay, why not? He's already dead. It's not like he doesn't smell bad." After all that, they go to walk out, and the guy pops up and says, "Thanks for saving my life, pumping blood back into my body..."

A happy little girl was running on the grass. She saw two gay guys kissing in a blank space, and she started crying. The two gay guys heard her crying, and then they asked her: "Why are you crying?" The little girl answered: "This is the first time I see an unnatural nature."

😂😂😂😂

Orphan: Shooting gun at shooting range, "I'm out of bullets, got a magazine?"

Guy: That's probably because you're single.

A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.

Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"

Three strangers have opened a gay chat; but if one left the chat, the chat would be closed.

Stranger 3: How to turn a straight guy into a gay guy?

Stranger 1: You can't!

Stranger 2: You can.

Stranger 3: How?

Stranger 2: By using the same idea of the Russian experiment; like in a detention, put him in a closed room full of gay stuff, but the difference is that he can sleep, and he will have food for 30 days and a toilet, too.

Stranger 3: Great idea, but who can we try first?

Stranger 1: You all gays are evil monsters.

Stranger 2: I think the stranger 1 is just a straight spy. Let's try this experi-

(The chat has been closed by stranger 1)

A guy tells his pal, "My wife is expecting. We're going to the clinic to see if it's a girl or a boy."

"Congrats, man. What are you gonna name it if it's a boy?"

"We're going with Trevor."

"Ok, what if it's a girl?"

"Then we'll have an abortion."