Guy

Guy jokes

Cannibal

    • So, this guy walked into a cannibal bar. The barista asked him what he wants, and the man ordered water. Then he left, because he wasn't a cannibal and just wanted a glass of water.

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    • Guy memes

    Estate

    • A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad. "What's the matter?" asks the bartender.

    "My paternal uncle died three months ago."

    "Wow! No wonder you're sad!"

    "It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."

    "Then what's the matter?"

    "My maternal uncle died two months ago."

    "Two uncles in two months? No wonder you're sad!"

    "It's not that either. He left me half of his estate."

    "Then what's the matter?"

    "My father died last month."

    "Your dad too? No wonder you're sad!"

    "It's not that. He left me his entire estate."

    "Then what's the matter?"

    With a massive sob, the guy says, "None of my relatives died this month!"

    Girl

    • Alicia was not a popular girl. None of the guys noticed her. Once she got a boyfriend, but then he cheated on her with Katy and said, "You're not sexy enough, Katy is much hotter."

    So Alicia took a match, set herself on fire, and screamed, "THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!"

    And then she died.

    Airplane

    • You think on a airplane when a muslim guy gets on, people look at him and think... "Aw, fuck."

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    • Hitler

    • Do you know that no one finds Hitler a great guy?

    But he really saved the History Channel.

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    • Prank

    • Any body have nothing to do? Well here is a prank that you'll never forget!

    (Btw I never actually did this irl yet)

    So tell your parents at night to come in in about 30 minutes cuz your legs hurt and you need them rubbed. So when they come in, pretend like your sleeping and right before they go out shout: NO! Then they will look at you but you'll be sleeping. (The idea is that you'll be sleep talking.) Then you start to cuss and say the most random things like: Hey you can't chew my cud it's mine, plus, you even went swimming today at that damm lake! Also say something like: YOU SON OF A BITCH! *swat in the air once* Then say: Why I made your f*ckin' bed today you stupid parents! *swat three times* And btw try and not smile as hard as it may be cuz they will be looking at you weird. And try to open your eyes just enough so you can see them. And depending on the tipe of parent you have they may wake you up by then or they will get interested and start laughing! Any way, then say: That mother f*cker that lives across the street just said I was ugly, you should do something about it(sibling name) ______. And also say: And if you happen to know where the nearest store is then that would be helpful. Then say: No Hulk! Leave me alone I love you! *swat twice*. Then say: Uncle Timmy Tom you are such a nude nick.(my dad made up the word nude nick, it just means crazy and annoying) Then settle down and lay on your stomach in your "sleep" and make it look like you putting the blanket on you more, but irl it would probably be to hide a smile! I think I will stop there cuz I don't think any one could hold in there laughter that long and if you feel like you can hold out longer then just make something up.

    I hope you guys can do this and it goes well for you! Please comment! Byeee!

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    • Man

    • A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."

    Butcher

    • "I work with animals," a guy says to his date.

    "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"

    "I'm a butcher," he replies.

    Cremation

    • I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?

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