Why is the thief so good at basketball? Because he can shoot, steal, and run.
Why are white teenagers the best for the army? They are good at shooting things up.
I started crying when my dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
I started debating whether or not suicide is a good option. Self-harm just hasn’t been cutting it lately.
To whoever you are, you are loved.
Why are Americans so good at solving Rubik’s cubes?
Because they have a history of separating colors.
Kenny can't find a girlfriend because neither of his sisters can fuck as good as his mom could.
So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."
What do KFC and pussy have in common?
Both are finger lickin' good, and after you are done eating, you have a box to put the bone in.
A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"
What's the difference between a feminist and Hitler?
Both were good at starting wars, only difference was Hitler knew when to kill himself afterwards.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
Why are blind people so good at being a Jedi?
They are always swinging a stick.
A good dog name is Syndrome. That way when it tries attacking, you can yell, "Down, Syndrome!"
Two people just met. One said, “We should do some bonding.” The other nodded and said back, “Titanic.” The first just looked confused so the second one just said, “Sorry, thought that would be a good icebreaker.”
Teacher: What does a pig give you?
Little Johnny: Bacon.
Teacher: Good, what does the sheep give you?
Little Johnny: Wool.
Teacher: What does the fat cow give you?
Little Johnny: Homework and says "leave motherf*cker".
Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"
So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.
Why is North Korea so good at Geometry?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
OTHERS (MOTIVATED): If I had FLYING as a SUPERPOWER, FALLING would be the BEGINNING STAGE.
ME (DEPRESSED): OK, GOOD IDEA! LETS FALL OFF THE CLIFF AND FLY TO HEAVEN!!
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.
