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How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?
9: one to screw the lightbulb, one to film it, one to post about it on a women empowerment social media page, one to complain that the man didn’t screw the lightbulb, one to say that women deserve to screw more lightbulbs, one to try to get #womenlightbulbscrewers trending on Twitter, one to bring a man and show him the screwing, one to say that women are better than men at screwing lightbulbs, and one to make a speech about the lightbulb.
What gets bigger when it eats but dies when it drinks?
Answer: fire.
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple gets picked.
How do you get a depressed kid out of a tree? You cut the rope.
I am so depressed! I get jealous when my phone dies.
Teacher: Why did you throw paper airplanes at the twin sisters?
Me: You wouldn't get it.
What time do terrorists arrive in New York City?
9:11 AM
Your mama is such a hoe! It took her 4 attempts to pass her driving test. She couldn't get used to the front seat.
Your mama smells so bad that everytime she goes outside, she gets ticketed for pollution. She's so ugly that everytime she looks out a window, she gets arrested for mooning.
Your mama is so fat.
She steps on the scales. She has to return in a couple days to get the results.
Your mama is so fat, I had to look twice to get a first impression.
Your mama is so fat. She gets winded just thinking about running.
Your mama is so ugly! It took your dad 15 years to return from getting milk.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...
A piece of cake.
You know you’re getting fat when you sit in the bath, and the water in the bath rises.
Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory?
He only took a day off.
My brother goes into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me 12 beers and a shot of whiskey." The bartender says, "That's a lot of alcohol." My brother says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender said, "Let me buy you a drink." My brother said, "No, this should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth."
My wife is so fat.
She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.
My wife is so fat, she gets home, her ass gets home a half hour later.
My wife is so fat, she gets weighed on the Richter scale.