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How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.
Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"
The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.
Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."
How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.
How do you get them back out? Straw.
A man goes to a restaurant and asks for some chili.
The waiter said, "Sorry sir, this is an Asian restaurant."
So he stretches his eyes and says, "Oh herro, can I get some chiri?"
Yo mama is so fat, it took Nationwide 15 years to get on her side.
Q: Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
A: It did not want to get stuck in a crack.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves........ just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.
How do you get a fat girl to bed? Piece of cake.
What would Stephen Hawking do to get drunk?
Overcharge himself.
What's the best part about dead baby jokes?
They never get old.
What did the mentally retarded kid get on his test?
Drool.
You know what really grinds my gears? Robots and liars...for example that Stephen Hawking fella. He sure looks and sounds like a robot!! And a major liar too! If he wanted to show me how smart he really was he would have figured out how to get up out of that four wheeler and tell me how smart he is!!!!!
What is Hawking's number one song? The Beach Boys: "I Get Around."
Dark humor never gets old, just like children with cancer.
Where did Stephen Hawking go when he wanted to get drunk? The Genius Bar.
What's the best part about dead baby jokes?
They never get old.
What did the little boy say to the fat man?
How many Japs did you get?
What did Stephen Hawking say on the stairway to heaven?
Oh, fuck! I can’t get up them.
Three Europeans come to America. They are all captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a BANANA!!"
How do you get a baby out of a blender?
With Doritos!