Garden jokes

The shovel is a ground breaking invention.

*Slaps and laughs*

What's the difference between 911 and a Mexican gardener?

One of them is an outside job.

What did the big flower say to the little flower?

Hi, Bud!

If I had a garden, I would put your tulips against my tulips... 🌷

We just got a new chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable.

Did you hear about the tomato and the lettuce race?

Well, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup!

The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maid: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

When you're walking through the garden section at Walmart and you hear your grandpa screaming, "They're in the fucking trees!"

Roses are red, flowers are pretty, I heard your mom has a nice pair of titties.

I was gardening and found a chest full of blood... I forgot I was in the cemetery.

So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

Three nuns die in a car crash, but they all make it to heaven. They're standing at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter says to them, "Don't worry, you're going to get in, but first I need you to answer these questions."

He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first woman?" The nun says, "Eve." Saint Peter says, "Go on in."

Then he asks the second nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?" The second one says, "The Garden of Eden." Saint Peter says, "You can go through."

Finally, he gets to the third nun and says, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun stands there a little confused and says, "Boy, that's a hard one." Saint Peter, shocked, goes, "That's correct! Go on in."

I wish the grass outside of my house was emo, because it would cut itself.

I was at my grandparents' and saw someone breaking into a car. I told my grandpa, "He's trying to break into the car!" He said, "No, ours is in the garden."

Did you hear about the nun that got kicked out of the convent?

She got caught squatting on the cucumbers in the garden.

My new leaf blower doesn't work. It sucks.

What’s a pedophile’s favorite type of garden?

A KinderGarden.

What is so similar about a concrete block and a garden?

They both make vegetables.

If you were a vegetable, you would be a cute-cumber.

Adam and Eve are going through the garden when Adam suddenly says, "What race are we?"

Eve responds with, "Ask God, he will tell you." So Adam goes over to a hill and asks, "God, what race are we?"

God says, "You are what you are."

Adam goes back to Eve and says, "We are white." Eve asks how he knew that. Adam responds with, "If we were black, he would have said 'you is what you is'."