Three ladies were on a flight, when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing." The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich, and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great t*ts and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."
a guy on a bus saw a beautiful girl he asked for her number and of course, she said no, he asked the bus driver for advice and he said that girl goes to the cemetery to pray every day at 10 pm and look for a statue of an angel so he dresses up as god goes to the grave and she sees him she says oh lord end my misery kill me now and he said only if you do something for me first she replied what is it oh mighty lord he said to have sex with me she agreed they had sex and when she was done sucking his dick he said I have something to tell you he took of his costume and said I'm the guy from the bus and she took off her costume I'm the bus driver. (does anyone remember this it's an old joke someone made or does no one remember this I didn't make this but it went smth like this)
I remember my first day back when working at a camp. I was so surprised when the trains arrived.
What did God say when he made the first black man? crap I burnt one
There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!”
What is the three worst years of a black child's life First grade
Why did the skydiver bring a backup parachute?
In case the first one wanted to "cut ties" with them mid-air.
A lesbian couple and a gay couple. We’re going to San Francisco who made it first. The lesbian couple got there lickety-split The gay couple was still packing their shit
Why was the rapper always the first one at the party?
Because he never missed a BEAT
What is a terrorist first move in chest C4
Yo mama is so clumsy, when she had her first kickboxing lesson she kicked herself in the testicles...
I lost my virginity to a girl with down syndrome I want my first time to be special
What is the best part about Alabama prostitutes?
Family comes first.
A bus full of ugly people is driving down the street. The bus crashes and everyone goes to heaven. They see Saint Peter and he feels bad for them and grants them one wish before they go into heaven. The first one says, "I wish to be attractive." The second one says the same.
Meanwhile, the 3rd person in line is giggling and snickering and laughing while Saint Peter is granting wishes. Curiously, he asks why he is laughing. He says, "I was going to wish that they turned ugly again."
Boys are like minis
girls are like big pots
Minis always come first. don't think about sex boys, be men
You know my first name, but don’t worry about it, you’ll only be screaming my first.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
Three men are working on a building site.
Everyday, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.
The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.
“By god,” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years, and everyday, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself.”
The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.
“Holy crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Everyday, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. I’m with you buddy—if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, I’m killing myself.”
The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.
“I don’t believe it—another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time I’ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldn’t have to work on this sordid site no more! I’m sick of it—count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, I’m killing myself.”
The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man – a ham sandwich, the second – a cheese sandwich, the third – a tuna sandwich.
The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.
At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.
“If only I’d known how much he didn’t like ham sandwiches,” says the first man’s wife, “I always thought he was being ironic!”
“And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like cheese sandwiches,” says the second man’s wife, “I always thought he was being sarcastic!”
“And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like tuna sandwiches,” says the third man’s wife, “but I don’t know what good it would have done—the fool made his own lunch!”
I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.
All I said was, hurry up, some of us got homes to go to...
The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
