Father's jokes
Bible Verse of The Day - For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.
—Romans 8:15-16
All of the sudden, if you're Republican, you're racist, and Communism is a symbol of freedom? What happened to the proud men our founding fathers were, damn it!
Why do orphans love to go to church?
Because they can finally call someone "father!"
What do you call an orphan who grows up and becomes a priest?
Father Les.
Why are there only 362 days in an orphan's calendar? They don’t have Father's Day, Mother's Day, or Family Day.
Myla, what did you do for Father's Day?
Myla: I went to a restaurant.
Timmy, what did you do for Father's Day?
Timmy: I went to a concert.
Olivia, what did you do for Father's Day?
Olivia: Talked to him through an ouija board.
How come I have a father but not a dad?
He was a priest.
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data!
Why do orphans love McDonald's?
Because the initials are like "mother" and "father."
My father taught me a lesson of sex in a hypothetical way.
My stepmother gave me a lesson [on] how [it] is going inside?
Why can't orphans celebrate Christmas?
Father Christmas left them.
Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?
Because they miss Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.
Little Johnny's dad was driving him to school when they came up on a couple in a convertible. It was apparent that they were arguing. You could then see the woman pull out a knife. Seconds later, his dad saw a penis land in the windshield. Worried little Johnny will see it, he quickly turned on the wipers and brushed it off.
"What was that, Dad?" asked lil Johnny. "Oh, just a bug," said his father. With a confused look on lil Johnny's face, he then says, "That bug sure had a big dick, didn't he?"
A woman goes to buy a parrot.
There is one for 200, 500, and one for 15 bucks.
She asks why the last one is so cheap.
The man at the counter says, "It used to live in a brothel/sex house."
The lady buys it anyway.
When she gets home, it says, "Fuck me, a new brothel!"
When her daughters get home, it says, "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!"
When the father gets home, the parrot says, "Fuck me, Daryl, haven't seen you in the brothel in weeks!"
If Germany is the father land, and Russia is the mother land, would WWII just be domestic violence?
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.
They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing, then his friend calls and he is groaning. He said he was having cramps, so the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, turn it up to 40%!" So he does, and his friend throws up, so he said, "Doc, turn it up to 100%!" and his friend dies.
Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."
This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"
A little girl being Girl: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do, child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes, Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes, Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, Father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes, Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But, Father, he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Why did the orphan finally go to church? So they could call someone "father."
Jarod (😏): Man, Breya Smith is so hot! The things I would do!
Y’uree (😟): Yes, but... she moved, remember? Her father found a new “job”, so she is now leaving until the fall.
Jarod (😞): Ah yes! BECAUSE!!!
Y’uree (😯): I don’t know, bitch. Maybe she has other things to do, or we can give her a good gangbang before she leaves!
Jarod: (😒): No, I really want to fuck her by myself!
Jarod (🤔): Hmmmmmmm... mhmmmmmm... ummmmm... hmmmmmm... not a bad idea!
Jarod (🤨): Or not?
Y’uree (🙄): Shut up, man!
Jarod (😠): NO, I mean it! THAT GIRL HAS THE BEST ASS FOR ORAL SEX!
Y’uree (🙄😒): Bruh... listen... gangbang... sex... the same
Halyei (😊): Hello Y’uree and Jarod. How are you guys today?
Y’uree (😏): Well, sexy girls like you should be ass-fucked or fucked so hard that all you can do is talk or nothing at all?
Halyei (😘): Thank you, I suck dicks too!
Jarod (😒): Are you Breya???
Halyei (😕): No... do I like that flying bastard???
Jarod (😣): Ugh... no... baby, you’re free to go!
Halyei (😔): Sorry, I miss cursing and having sex with her too! (😟) Sorry for being an idiot. (😔) I really miss her. (🤔) Maybe you and I can give her a threesome??? (🙄) No, I’m not gay! ( ) WHY!!! (😌) Can you come to the please fuck me! It’s the fuckable girls contest and I want to win! (😨) Sorry!