Family jokes
Yesterday, I tried to help a little girl by a road stop crying. I asked her where her parents were, and that made her cry harder. So then I asked her where her house was, and she said with tears, "I don't have one." So I got her in my car and drove her to where she said she was living. It was an orphanage.
Orphan: I want to kill my parents.
Random kid: I don’t think you have the facilities to do that, big man.
An orphan died. No one cared, why? Who is supposed to spread the word? His parents.
Why can you hit orphans?
Because they can't tell their parents.
Yo mama so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yes, let's go bury it."
Well.
Queen Elizabeth came back before your dad did.
So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.
Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."
Why can't orphans be gay?
Because they can't call anyone their dad.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they can’t make a home run. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
What’s the difference between cancer and my abusive stepdad?
My stepdad did beat cancer.
Why do orphans commit crimes?
It’s the only time they’re ever wanted.
But your mom's the best, the super M.I.L.F.
The orphan's best friend wanted to meet his family, so he took a selfie.
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
Your hairline is so repulsive that my entire family got eye cancer from seeing it, and it goes so far back that you be looking like Vegeta.
What do orphans call a holiday?
A bit of soil and some leaves as a blanket.
Superman has been called to a huge house fire. Superman: "There you are ma'am, everyone out and all safe!" Mother: "But my children are still inside! You need to go back an--" Superman: "Ah fuck'em..."
Friend: My mum took my phone from me, and I really want it back.
Me: Yeah, well, Hades took my parents from me, and the funny thing is, I don't want them back.
What feature does an orphan's phone not have?
A home button.