Family

Family jokes

Mom

    • What's the difference between your mom in bed and Biden in the presidential race?

    Your mom finishes.

    Family memes

    Jesus

    • The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

    Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven.”

    Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”

    Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”

    The teacher says, “How do you know this?”

    Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?””

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    • Cat

    • A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”

    He responded with, “The cat is dead.”

    She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”

    “She’s playing on the roof.”

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    • Ancestry.com

    • I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

    She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

    Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

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    • School shooting

    • Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.

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    • Dark Humor

    • Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"

    Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."

    Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."

    Dad: "Exactly, son."

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    • Food

    • Little Johnny's father says if them boys say another bad word, I'm going to whoop them, and Little Johnny's brother says, "I'd like some fucking food," and he whooped him, and Little Johnny says, "He would. I'd like some food. At least I didn't—I'd like some fucking food. Bye."

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    • Bet

    • So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

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    • Orphan

    • What did the orphan get for Christmas? Nothing, because his parents ran away.

    Double whammy. Orphan jokes are like a kid with cancer; it never gets old. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👌👌👌👌👌

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