Family jokes

What do orphans not see on a controller?

The home button.

Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.

Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!

Me: *watching TV*

Mom: Omg, no way, your dad is coming!

Me: Really?

Mom: Obviously not, he never loved or wanted you.

What type of pictures do orphans take?

Selfies.

What's the difference between your mom and a troll?

Nothing, they both look the same.

Me: Mom, stop, you are not funny. You never make jokes.

Mom: I made you.

David’s parents have three sons: Snap, Crackle, and what’s the name of the third son?

Answer: David.

Your uncle Jack is stuck on the horse...

Would you help him jack off the horse?

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

I have trash so I throw it at my sister and say that she is a trash can.

At school in a classroom, the teacher asked the kid, “If you have one dollar and your parents give you five dollars, how much do you have?” Everyone raised their hand except one little girl.

What does a man with 20 children do now?

Now he eats sausages even with cellophane.

I had morning wood one day. Then my sister saw it and said, "I can help!"

Bowling is like child support: it involves balls.

It's not nice to make 9/11 jokes. My uncle died in 9/11...

He was one of al qaeda's best pilots.

I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"

I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3

What is a kid's favorite thing to do with their dad?

Play pretend dog in the bed.

Jacob likes fucking me and my mom.

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because they can’t find home plate.

What does the plane that hit the Twin Towers and milk have in common?

My dad went to get both and never came back.