Family jokes

Your uncle Jack is stuck on a horse.

Would you help your uncle "Jack" off the horse?

Whoever said that about me better pray!

Family all eating at the table.

Brother: "Hmm, I think I feel gold."

Sister: "Stop the cap."

Brother looks under the table and says, "Nope, just a gold digger."

Dad laughed.

Stepmom storms out of the room.

What are two things that an orphan can’t have?

Two parents.

Q: Why do orphans work at Olive Garden?

A: Because when you're there, you're family.

Orphan: My mommy and daddy love me.

Guy: Where are they then?

Orphan: In the eternal depths of [hell].

Why can't orphans complete homework?

Because they have no home!

What do orphans not see on a controller?

The home button.

Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.

Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!

Me: *watching TV*

Mom: Omg, no way, your dad is coming!

Me: Really?

Mom: Obviously not, he never loved or wanted you.

What type of pictures do orphans take?

Selfies.

What's the difference between your mom and a troll?

Nothing, they both look the same.

Me: Mom, stop, you are not funny. You never make jokes.

Mom: I made you.

David’s parents have three sons: Snap, Crackle, and what’s the name of the third son?

Answer: David.

Your uncle Jack is stuck on the horse...

Would you help him jack off the horse?

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

I have trash so I throw it at my sister and say that she is a trash can.

At school in a classroom, the teacher asked the kid, “If you have one dollar and your parents give you five dollars, how much do you have?” Everyone raised their hand except one little girl.

What does a man with 20 children do now?

Now he eats sausages even with cellophane.

I had morning wood one day. Then my sister saw it and said, "I can help!"