Family jokes

My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.

I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

There once was a woman who had 10 kids. Their names were:

Tenth, Twenty, Thirty, Forty, Fifty, Sixty, Seventy, Eighty, Ninety, and One Hundred.

Everyone but Ninety died. She also had 10 kids.

These 10 kids got a dog without Ninety knowing. They had him for 2 years until he got hit by a car.

Only Ninety's kids know about this.

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.

Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!

Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.

You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.

At my sample place, I handed my wife a fork and I lost my job.

An orphan went on a game show.

The host looked at him and said, "You can't play, this is Family Feud."

Your mom is a slow comedian. It took her 9 months to make a good joke.

Son: Dad, what's a morbid joke?

Father: Walk over to a homeless man and throw a rock at him, then you will know.

Son: But Dad, I don't have arms or legs.

Father: Now you know.

Your dad left for the milk because of your McDonald's hairline!

Did you know Helen Keller had a sister?

Neither did she.

Dark humor is like parents. Not everyone gets it.

Mommy, mommy! Do we own a sweatshop?

Shut up and keep sewing!

What’s worse than banging your sister?

Having to wear your dad’s wedding ring.

Why did Ms. Grapes 🍇 want to marry Mr. Grapes 🍇?

Because she loves raisin kids.

Necrophilia in Alabama is fun for the whole family, even grandma.

What do you call a cup with a handle?

A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(

I saw a kid sitting on the side and asked if he was an orphan, “what gave me away?” “Well, your parents, for a start.”

Little Johnny is walking in the hallway and goes in his brother's room and catches him watching something, so he asks, "What you watching?" His brother replies, "Nothing," and drops his phone. But then he gets a text from his teacher, who texted him a picture of her naked, saying, "After school come fuck me." So Johnny looks and says, "Ew, I'm telling Mom," and he ran with his brother's phone and showed his mom, and his mom said, "Ok, Johnny, I'll take care of you brother," and she told him to leave, and he did.

And his brother ran in his mom's room naked, and his mom said, "Oh, that's big. How about you do what your teacher told you to do to her, to me?" And a few hours later, Johnny heard weird noises coming from the room, so he walked in and saw them (his brother and mom) having sex, so he closed the door and walked away.

Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?

Daughter: *tooth hurty*

Dad: All right.