Family jokes
Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.
Mom: Did you finish your homework?
Mom: We are going to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.
Mom: Dad and I talked. We are getting a new car next month.
Son: You are?? Oh my gosh, thank you!
Mom: No, I was just making sure you were getting my texts.
Son: That was cruel!
So a guy gets a motorcycle with authentic leather seats, and the dealer tells him, "Dude, the rain will ruin the seats. Get it under something if it starts raining, and worst-case scenario, put Vaseline all over the seats to make it waterproof." So he goes to his girlfriend's house that night for dinner, and before he goes inside, she says, "Listen, this is your first time meeting my parents. We have a rule: the first one to speak has to do the dishes." So he walks inside and sees a mountain of dishes, over three months' worth, because no one has spoken, and the stench is awful.
During dinner, he concocted a plan to get someone to speak, so he started doing all of this crazy shit to try and get someone to speak. Not a peep. Eventually, he grabs his girlfriend, bends her over, and starts going to town. Still nothing. The parents are outraged but not speaking because they don't want to do the dishes. After about a minute of this, he walks away and does the same to her mum and starts going to town. Now the dad is pissed and just staring him down with daggers. At that moment, it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle is out in the rain, and he grabs the Vaseline out of his pack pocket, and the dad goes, "FINE! I'LL DO THE DISHES!"
What's an orphan's favorite football game?? The homecoming.
Why do orphans love table tennis? Because that is the only love they're getting.
What movie does an orphan want for Christmas? "Spiderman: Homecoming";)
Has anyone walked in on their parents making love? I have.
Please comment! :)
Why don’t orphans play baseball?
Because they don’t know where home is.
Why do orphans hate p*rn hub?
They always see a stepdad and stepsis.
My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"
Mom! (DYM 14)
Why do orphans not play Call of Duty?
Because they have to land at houses.
Son: Dad, I need a new butt.
Dad: Why, son?
Son: Because mine has a huge crack in it.
Why can't orphans open a family business?
Because there is no family.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple gets picked.
Alex: Dad, can we get me a little brother from the orphanage?
Dad: Sure, Alex! We're here!
Orphanage manager: Alex! You are so big now!
Alex: Dad, what is she talking about?!
Did you know that "girlfriend" at the end, it starts with "end." So does "boyfriend," and "friend" have "end" at the end of it, but "family" at the end it "ily" I love you.
Why can't an orphan go on a field trip?
'Cause they need parent registration!
My dad went out with Nemo one day to the store. They still haven't come back.
Boomerangs come back, but your dad never did.
My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?