My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
What's Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom? -- How I bought your mother.
What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? -- "Mumbai!"
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."
"Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
Yo mama is so nasty, she buys sex toys at the second-hand shop.
Yo mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner--and she looked.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everyone.
Yo mama is so fat, it takes two warlocks to summon her.
Yo mama is so ugly, when she goes to the photographer, he shoots himself.
