Family jokes

What do you call an orphan’s family tree?

A stump.

I made this up.

I was watching a school baseball game, and I was yelling at a kid to take it home. He took the bat and threw it, and then ran away. I asked the teacher/coach what the problem was, and he said the kid was an orphan, and I started laughing so hard.

Later that night, I wondered where he stormed off to after he threw the bat, and I thought to myself, "Not home."

I swear, if I compared the size of your mother and multiplied it by the time your dad was gone, it wouldn't even be close to your hairline.

Me: Mom, the weight scale wants your weight, not your phone number!

What is the difference between me and the Twin Towers?

My mom was only airplane feeding me a spoon.

So things are just too tiring to sort out... like which adoption center you should send your son to?

I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.

And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...

AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!

Why do orphans like cows?

Because when they leave, they bring back the milk.

Why are orphans bad at Yahtzee?

They don't know what a house is.

What is the difference between an Apple and an orphan?

The apples get picked.

Blood may be thicker than water, but yo mama is thicker than anything!

Why don’t orphans play baseball?

Because they can’t find home.

Why can’t orphans be criminals?

Because they’re not wanted!

I tried to adopt an orphan. The card got declined harder than the child did.

Tell your mom happy last night. 🍆 in my bed.

Bored? Punch an orphan! Who are they gonna tell, their parents?

I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.

The orphan wanted to go on a field trip, but he needed his parent's signature.

Boy: The F in orphan stands for family.

Orphan: But there’s no F in orphan.

Boy: Exactly!

How to cure boredom:

If you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?