Failing jokes
What is a failed abortion? Annabelle.
A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.
The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."
The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."
Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."
Guys, stop making jokes about blind people, they might s... never mind, continue.
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
Have any of you guys heard the classic airplane jokes? Here's a good example...
A farmer, a doctor, and a terrorist are on a plane. An engine fails, and they are going to crash, so the pilot asks everyone to throw out some items. The farmer threw out his apple harvest, the doctor threw out medical supplies, and the terrorist, (not needing a bomb apparently) threw out his briefcase of bombs. They still crashed, and they started walking to the nearest town. They passed a boy who was running. "Why are you running?"
"My dad got hit by a shiny red object and now he's bleeding!"
They three of them decide it's best to keep quiet, and continue. They then passed a crying girl, who said that her brother had been killed by a scalpel from heaven. They said nothing and continued. Finally, they see a boy laughing so much he is in tears. They ask him, "What's so funny?"
"Grandma farted and the house blew up!"
I had a cake for my gender reveal party. I cut it, and the inside was yellow...
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it was made by the same company that made their life decisions.
I was on an orphan's website, but I pressed on his profile and realized he had no home page.
I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.
Why did Sally fail her final exam?
Because she had nothing written down.
Why did Helen Keller fail school? She was bad at language.
(Teacher): "What's one sport you want to do, but you're not good at?"
(Me): "Suicide."
I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.
I replied I'd get ink poisoning.
Wouldn't recommend, the police came.
Why are the Chinese bad at baseball?
Because they ate all the bats.
I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."
You smell like you farted hard. A, B, Honor Roll, all F’s, you retarded!
I told a 9/11 joke to my friends today.
It didn't land well.
They all call it self-baptism. I call it failed suicide.
I was in a bar in Italy. Me and a hot chick got along, so I asked her for her number. I remembered that there was a pen in my pocket, but when I searched, it was nowhere to be found. I turned back, then I saw Pessi running with it. Shame on you, Pessi, for ruining my night! 😭
McNeill's mom wrote a shopping list for supper:
cabbage _50
Carrots-50
Cooking fat -100
Onions_20
Tomato-20
salt-10
Total=250
She gave McNeill the list to get the ingredients.
McNeill took long to return home from the shopping.
His mom decided to call McNeill to ask why are taking long. McNeill answered, "I have all the ingredients, but I'm looking for total."