Failing jokes

Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.

When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”

They all call it self-baptism. I call it failed suicide.

Four kids at my school tried suicide and failed. They are now known as the Suicide Squad.

Bro, yesterday this bird made the weirdest chirp. It sounded something like this:

"Error code 6, 4, 4, 2, sound: bird call, failed to play, government drone 0, 7, 7, 5 requires maintenance."

Anyone know what bird that is?

If you try to fail and you succeed, which one did you do?

Why did the orphan fail all his classes?

He couldn’t do his homework.

When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.

When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!

If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.

Yo mama so stupid, she failed a survey.

Why did Sally fail her final exam?

Because she had nothing written down.

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."

The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."

The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

What's similar between a fetus and a failed mission?

You abort it.

What did the watch say to the failing watch company?

"You better watch it!"

Even if orphans fail their exams, I'm sure their parents wouldn't...

Oh wait...

Why are we still fighting in darkness?

"Mission failed, soldier, we will get 'em next time."

The son margarine shows his father his test that he failed.

Father: Son, you can do butter!

Why did the cheese fail the test? It couldn't make the grade, curd.

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS!

What is a failed abortion? Annabelle.

A grasshopper tries playing cricket. It failed and got eaten by the bat.