eye's jokes

People wonder why our generation grew up so sarcastic.

"Hey, how do I look?"

"With your eyes, Joe."

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

'Cause they don't got balls to scratch.

The first priest asks the second, "How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?" The priest replies, "No clue... I close my eyes when I masturbate!"

Bring a knife into the shower. NEVER gonna see that coming! He pulls the curtain like ‘re re‘ and you're like ‘re re’ yourself, motherfucker, and stab him right in the eye! You thought the psycho was out there? SURPRISE, the psycho’s IN HERE with the Irish Spring on them!

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”

“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”

“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”

“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”

“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you ain't already told her twice.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already done told her twice.

My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.

What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh.

What do you get when you get yourself a deer with no eyes?

You get no-eye-deer.

Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!

Yesterday I asked my friend, "What is a fish without eyes?"

They replied, "I don’t know."

I said, "Fsh."

Ads for meds be like: Chloroform, it's Chloroform, helps with itchy eyes. Side affects may include Acute Flaccid Myelitis (AFM), AIDS (HIV/AIDS), Alphaviruses, Alzheimer's Disease, Alzheimer's Diseases (Spanish), Arboviral Encephalitis, Arthritis, Babesiois, Cancer, Unintentional injuries, Chronic lower respiratory disease, Stroke and cerebrovascular diseases, Alzheimer's disease, Diabetes, Influenza and pneumonia.

How does the cop respond to being called racist?

He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."

I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.

Because obviously she doesn’t listen.

Why are black men's eyes always red after sex?

From the mace.

Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.

Why does a blind man still have eyes?

So he can see that he can't see.

What do you call a deer with good eyes?

Good ideas.

Wife: [Looks] in the mirror. Wife: I look fat, can you say something positive? Husband: At least your eyes work.