Existentialism jokes
Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?
Alfred: Why?
Me: because I'm worthless... =)
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes, and everyone is trying to shit on ya.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He was just feeling like he needed a break, you know? Life is hard when you're a rooster looking after your hen and chicks. He just wanted a sense of normality, walking out of the farm. He felt light-headed, staring into the distance. Then, at this very moment, he realised it was his darkest hour.
Join us for more of the story, after the break!
Why did the baby cross the road? Because he wanted to die.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't know why I am still alive for you.
Getting murdered by someone is probably the most intimate experience I'll ever have.
What made me laugh?
The fact that my life is a joke."
Why doesn't my egg want to crack?
Because I hate my egg-sistence.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
Because his cousin's name was Koshin, and he didn't want to live anymore.
"The f*** am I even doing here?"
I wanna die.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
My life.
My life who?
My life is depressing...
What's the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they're both too short.
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?
A: Look in a mirror.
I love how all these jokes about different accidents have happened, but why isn't anyone writing about how much of an accident we all were?