Everyone

Everyone jokes

Chesley, in horror, runs out of the cockpit of the plane coming from London, "I'm so very sorry, everyone. I punched the wrong buttons, and we are heading to DC instead of New York, and we are about to run out of fuel." He opens the door and turns around to the five passengers and exclaimed, "I've parachutes but miscounted. We only got four for the passengers." He jumps off.

Donald faced the other four and orders:

"I'm the greatest leader of the world, and I'll make the decision. Tony, you go first. Our country needs you. The whole wide world needs you. Pandemic is raging."

Tony jumps off.

"Francis, my friend, you go next. Pandemic is ravaging the mind and body of millions. Their soul needs saving. Save Vladimir's and Xi's for me."

Francis jumps off.

Hillary faced Donald furiously. "Who are you to make decisions for us? I should have been president. I'm the smartest woman in the whole world in history."

Hillary jumps off.

Donald gazed at the young woman and started talking: "I'm an old man. I have already lived a full life - beautiful wives, children, just a beautiful life. Just beautiful. I've become president of the most powerful country, the most beautiful, the richest. Regrets? I've made a few but did it my way. Greta, go on. Your future is bright. I just wish I can make my country great again and have the chance to help save the world with you. I believe in second chances. Look at my bankruptcies, believe me. And I wish I've played more golf and..."

Greta interjected, "Just shut the f* up. The plane is about to crash. Let's go and save the world. The smartest woman in history took my backpack!"

Why are people mass buying toilet paper because of the coronavirus?

When someone sneezes, everyone shits their pants.

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    • A rich girl is flying on his helicopter when suddenly it crashes, killing everyone. What was the last thing that went through her head?

    The helicopter blade!

    It's funny that everyone is depressed, like, I mean:

    Bullys are depressed.

    Nerds are depressed.

    Bad girls/boys are depressed.

    Kind humans are depressed.

    This man walks into a bar and says, "How do I get service here?"

    The assistant bar attendant tells him to take a seat as the bartender will be there to serve him shortly. After 2 minutes, the man says this is ridiculous, that he has to wait. The assistant then offers him a bar snack of free nuts, which the man duly eats. Another 2 minutes go by, and the man then says, "OK, I get it, no service of beer, but free nuts," to which the assistant says, "Hell no, the game starts in 10 minutes." Everyone laughs and claps.

    Why did Mrs. Henderson get a divorce from her husband, Harry?

    She was tired of everyone calling the family "Hairy" and the Hendersons.

    What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?

    When you pull either one out in class, everyone all of a sudden wants to be your friend...

    A man was sitting in the restaurant and ordered a whole buffet. He is visited by an oracle. Apollo says, "If you eat that buffet, everyone you love will die."

    "Up yours," the man said, "What are they going to die of, famine?"

    Moments later, there was an incident that took place in the restaurant. Everyone literally died. It turned out the restaurant had a B-. I said, "Is that really a thing groaning on the hospital?"

    The doctor said, "Know that is your condition, you have hepatitis B-."

    "What the FU***** SH**"

    Apollo is sitting in Mount Olympus, dying also in laughter.

    An unfortunate accident happened at the Nestlè factory. A man named Joe was seriously injured because a box of chocolates fell on him. Every time he said, "The chocolates are on me!" everyone cheered.

    Things said by racist aliens:

    "Some of my best friends are Green."

    "I just know that Orange guy stole my spaceship."

    "You're very pretty for a Purple girl."

    "We know you Tentacletians like to rape everyone with your tentacles!"

    "Adax Hitao should have finished off you Bluish people."

    "You 2-headed people are so stupid!"

    "No Slimatians are allowed in this restaurant because of health codes."

    "Get out of my store you grigger!"

    "The Plu Plux Plum meeting is tonight! Let's burn some spaceships on the Greenies' lawns!"

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    • Everyone when we're in the cafeteria singing happy birthday to some random person: "Happy birthday to you..., Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear

    Me in the background: Happy deathday to you..., Happy deathday to you, happy death day dear___, happy death day to you!"

    A teacher is doing an experiment about taste. She tells each student to line up so she can give them each a lifesaver, so they can tell her what flavor it is. She gives Suzy a pineapple one. Suzy tries it, says the flavor, and then goes and sits back down. That is the same for everyone, then it is Jhonny's turn. The teacher hands him a honey flavor one. Jhonny chews it for a while, then says,

    "Teacher, I don't know what it is.". The teacher tries to give him a hint and says, "it's what your parents call each other when you are asleep". Immediately the boy behind Jhonny screams, "Spit it out Jhonny, it's an asshole!!!"

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    • Man: What's up?

    Me: I'm annoyed.

    Man: Why?

    Me: I stole my gf's heart.

    Man: So why are you annoyed?

    Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.

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