Evers jokes

I heard that Jimmy Savile never wanted to be famous... All he ever wanted was to settle down, and have kids.

Why can't Heaven and Hell ever be one 2nd paradise?

Heaven always has 5-star reviews.

Have you ever seen a baby unicorn? No! Because unicorns are gay rainbows in equine form.

I'd rather kiss a cactus than kiss you. Wanna know why?

Because at least I'd feel something with the cactus than I ever could with you.

A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where Saint Peter greets them, "Hello sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I must ask you all a question." He asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" Well, she said, "Just once, with the tip of my little finger." "Ok, dip it in the holy water and you can enter." He repeats the question to the second nun. Well, she says, "I might of held one once." "Ok," says St. Peter, "wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter." Just then, there's a commotion down the line. One nun is trying to push in front of another. St. Peter says, "Sister Susan, there is no rush, you will get in." "That's fine," she replies, "but if I have to gargle that stuff, I want to get in before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it."

So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.

You suck harder than a vacuum ever will :)

Some of the most convincing people you'll ever listen to are born liars; usually they're called politicians.

You ever had sex with a woman that is so fat, it counted as a threesome?

I wonder if Stephen Hawking has ever watched Avengers: Endgame... Oh wait, he can't.

Ever heard of the currency TNT?

All Arab economies are booming with so much TNT!

Grandma: "Y’know, I used to be in this wheelchair cause of back pain. But ever since I met Spence, the pain went to my legs. At least my back is fixed!"

If you're ever bored, just punch an orphan. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Angela: Kris, I just met the nicest, sweetest guy ever.

Kristie: Who is he and what is his name?

Angela: His name is Kevin.

Kristie: Kevin? I remember him. He said he had to go to Italy for a meeting, never seen him after that. What the hell is Kevin doing here?

Angela: I don't know.

Have you ever had African water??

Neither have they.

If you ever think no one cares about you,

kill someone, then the news will.

A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."

Rape jokes are the funniest thing to ever exist.

When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?

Stephen Hawking is such a bad role model for our kids.

He only ever looks one way when crossing the street.