Stephen Hawking is such a bad role model for our kids.
He only ever looks one way when crossing the street.
Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."
Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."
Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."
Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."
Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*
"I heard a noise in the basement! I'm gonna go to my friend's house and play Minecraft with him until the noise I heard goes away."
"I heard a noise in the basement. I'm gonna go down there with a bazooka and thirty thousand rounds of pistol ammo and fifty thousand pistols."
Said no horror movie character ever.
And also GTA logic.
The only problem being short and gay is that whenever I try to tell people I'm top in my relationship, they don't believe me because I'm shorter than the person I'm dating, like, WTF?
I hate it when ever I bring a girl over, my parents don't care, but when I bring one of my friends that's a boy, they're like, "Keep the door open," and I'm gay.
Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house?
No? Neither did he.
Cancer is the best thing ever! Hahah, fuck all you cancer patients!
The Gold Coast Titans winning the NRL. Best joke ever.
If I had a loonie for every degree I have, I wouldn't have a loonie.
I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"
Do you think Stephen Hawking could ever plug his Instagram or anything?
If you ever get mad at an orphan, punch them in the face... What are they going to do, tell their parents?
If you ever get bored, just punch an orphan. I mean, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
Have you ever felt an earthquake? It’s not nature; it’s Brandan Bressler.
Have you ever met a kid who’s so fat that they can’t even be accepted to “My 600lb Life”? They need a higher-ranking one!
Why can’t you ever trick an aborted baby?
Because it wasn’t born yesterday. 🤭
Biggest lie ever told: it was the cat.
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen!
What is the richest nut ever? A cash-ooo!
Have you ever walked through Stephen Hawking's house? No?
Well..... neither has he.
