Eating jokes

How do goldfish know when to eat?

They don't. They have a memory span of 3 seconds.

Are you from Tennessee, because I eat ass.

Jason Kenney has never worried about putting food on the table for his kids.

"Knuckle babies" don't eat.

Daveon be eating Quaker Oats.

What happens when you eat a cat?

I love to eat cats for dinner!

I just got my COVID vaccine, and this lady said, "You have no idea what you put in your body." I said, "Yet you are eating chorizo."

What is the best time to eat dinner?

When you're hungry.

Your mum's vagina is so ravenous, that last night we both ended up on the living room floor, with her on top. She was eating my creamy young face off.

Vince Li doesn't eat comedians. He says they taste funny.

Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.

"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"

Rachel won the lottery twice in two years. Her friend Jim called her every day asking for tips on winning, just the same. Then one day, simply to get rid of him, Rachel said, "Watch two martial arts movies, eat three pieces of hard beef jerky, and pick a fight at a bar."

Jim replied with a shocked look, "That's what I do after Mr. Tugman shakes my hand too long."

Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.

And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.

And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"

Your mom is so stupid, she thought eating ass was cannibalism.

Why did orphans have to drink their own piss?

Because last time they went to the bar, they went with their dad and drank some Corona, then got drunk and started eating someone's toenails, so his dad went to go get the milk and everybody had to evacuate the bar. Then the orphan started walking on his teeth and got listed for the top ten wanted animals in the world, so then he felt wanted and went to go home and had nobody to go to, so he found the beer bottle he drunk out of and started pissing in it so he wouldn't die and loved it. So then someone saw him in the bushes pissing in a beer bottle then drinking, so the person who saw him started recording and posted it on YouTube, and the boy became famous, so now he can feel like he was wanted in life after daddy went to go get the milk, then the little boy became really rich.

Don't say you want to eat out a five-year-old's pussy, because I have already shoved a glass dildo in her tight ass pussy, UwU.

What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?

Why can’t orphans eat at a family restaurant? Because they don’t have a mom or dad.

This kinda reminds me of when my mum was feeding me. She always used to say, "Open wide for the delicious plane."

Why does the retard not like eating his vegetables? Because he knows not to be a cannibal, he knows somehow.