Eating jokes

What animal howls at the moon and eats cement?

If you guessed wolf, you're right! I threw in the cement to make it hard.

Hey paps, BONE-appetit!

(Just eat your spaguetti.)

A monkey eats cheese. He was lactose intolerant.

What is something that makes you wish you were dead, rips your skin off, is small, can wear you out in two seconds, betray you in any way possible, and can eat you alive?

Kid's.

Jason Kenney has never worried about putting food on the table for his kids.

"Knuckle babies" don't eat.

I asked my teacher if I needed to be in the special ED class, but she said I don’t eat enough vegetables.

Why did the robot eat a lightbulb?

'Cause he was in need of a light snack!

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids won't eat the broccoli.

Why does the paper follow up with wine because it was junk? Do wrong, so wrong that you don’t even exist because nobody even eats it. Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Haha ha ha! Haha ha haha ha ha! Ha hah hah hah ha!

What do you get if you do not eat? Dry.

How do goldfish know when to eat?

They don't. They have a memory span of 3 seconds.

What do you call a dinosaur that can’t eat?

Anarexic.

Are you from Tennessee, because I eat ass.

Q: What's green and yellow and eats balls?

A: Gonorrhea.

This joke is so corny I could eat it off the cob.

Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.

"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"

Rachel won the lottery twice in two years. Her friend Jim called her every day asking for tips on winning, just the same. Then one day, simply to get rid of him, Rachel said, "Watch two martial arts movies, eat three pieces of hard beef jerky, and pick a fight at a bar."

Jim replied with a shocked look, "That's what I do after Mr. Tugman shakes my hand too long."

Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.

And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.

And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"

Your mom is so stupid, she thought eating ass was cannibalism.

Why did orphans have to drink their own piss?

Because last time they went to the bar, they went with their dad and drank some Corona, then got drunk and started eating someone's toenails, so his dad went to go get the milk and everybody had to evacuate the bar. Then the orphan started walking on his teeth and got listed for the top ten wanted animals in the world, so then he felt wanted and went to go home and had nobody to go to, so he found the beer bottle he drunk out of and started pissing in it so he wouldn't die and loved it. So then someone saw him in the bushes pissing in a beer bottle then drinking, so the person who saw him started recording and posted it on YouTube, and the boy became famous, so now he can feel like he was wanted in life after daddy went to go get the milk, then the little boy became really rich.