Dying jokes

So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.

But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."

So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.

This was the best day of my life.

This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.

My crush said that she would rather die than have sex with me... It turns out that she was lying.

When we die we get sent to heaven, but when Stephen Hawking died, he was sent to the cloud.

Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...

His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...

I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.

Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

Hahahahahahah I'm dying.

What did Stephen Hawking say when he died?

I'm logging out.

So, about a year ago I was riding a horse, and out of nowhere the horse tried to flip me off it and I fell off. I would have been OK, but my foot got stuck in the stirrup. The horse dragged me along and didn't stop.

I would have died if it weren't for the Walmart manager who came out and unplugged the horse.

Guess why Stephen died?? Because his wife forgot to put him on charge at night.

If Stephen Hawking is dying, where do I take him, Currys PC World, or a hospital?

Why did Steven Hawking die?

A quad rasher ran him over.

Why did the man die of the actor's performance?

The performance was unbeLIVEable!

My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because I unplugged his life support to charge my phone.

What's the difference between the baby I just killed and Isaac Newton?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

People joke about 9/11, but it's not funny. My dad died in 9/11. Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

Three guys are escaping from North Korea through a tunnel.

The guards know that they are coming and will shoot them with paintball guns as a warning.

The guys show up and the guards shoot them.

The guys die because the guards used real guns.