DOE jokes
My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?
Q: How many children does it take to shingle a roof?
A: Depends on how thinly you slice them.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how big they are and how hard you throw them.
Hi, I'm new here and I'm 11. I'm just bored and want a girlfriend.
Does anyone have Snapchat or Twitter? I can show you what I look like ;)
Why does Aaron always look depressed? Because his grandma's dead.
How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?
I don't know, I can't count while I masturbate...
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.
So, three guys are walking down the street together and decide to go rob a bank.
The first one goes for the richest man in the city’s vault but can’t open it easily and is caught and sent to death in jail for robbing the richest man.
The second one goes for his uncle's vault because screw that son of a b***h; he’s rich, why does he need all the money? But his uncle was unfortunately at the vault that day and snapped his nephew's neck.
The third one went for his ex’s vault and thought, “Well, that b***h can suck my d**k; she’s so poor anyway, who would care if I take all her money so she dies of hunger and dehydration and homelessness?” So he managed to get into her vault easily because it wasn’t heavily locked and took all her money. The next day, the third guy's ex showed up to his house and said, “I’m gonna f*****g murder you,” so she shot him dead and got her money from his house.
In hell, the three guys see each other and explain what happened. The third guy did and then asked, “You know, I don’t get it. If the richest guys are heavily guarded but already have so much money in their house, why does it need to be heavily guarded? I don’t understand why the poorer aren’t heavily guarded when they are so poor they need the money.” And the first guy said, “B***h, I don’t know, maybe the bank tellers think poor people should suck it and just die already.”
Why does Spider-Man only have 11 months?
He lost May.
What does NASA stand for?
Not A Space Agency.
What does Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?
They're both turned on by kids.
Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."
Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"
Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"
Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."
Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"
Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."
What does a skeleton put on his roof?
Shin-gulls.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they all beat the room for being black.
What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?
They both light up the room.
What does a dad and the Twin Towers have in common? Once they're gone they never come back.
Why does shit come out your asshole? Cause fuck you, that's why.
- The emo went to give the tree a high five, but the emo was left hanging.
- How did the gay person die? Homicide.
- Why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? He was cutting in line.
- When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
- I cried when my dad chopped onions. Onions was such a good dog.
- I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away.
- How is the person over there different from cancer? His dad didn't beat cancer.
Daughter: Dad.
Dad: Yes honey?
Daughter: I'm lesbian.
Dad: Ok.
Daughter 2: Dad.
Dad: Yes?
Daughter 2: I'm lesbian too.
Dad: God, does anyone like boys around here?
Son: I do...
What does Michael Jackson and a lion have in common?
They're both predators.