Die jokes

Q: What were my son's last words before he died?

A: "Bye, Dad, I am going to school."

A man found out that he was going to die.

A German doctor comes in and says "you have 10 more". The man yells out "10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!". And the doctor says "No seconds". And the man says "9 SECONDS!!!" And the doctor says "Nein. Ten seconds". He asked "How many seconds do I have to live 10, 9 , or...?"

Then he died and learned how to say no in German....

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.

We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.

We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!

My departed uncle was a circus clown before he died.

So all his friends came in one car.

I want to die.

Race car backwards is race car.

Race car sideways is how Paul Walker died.

There are three people on an island. One dies, and the second guy goes to bury them. He comes back with deer meat. The first guy eats it, but the second guy refuses the meal.

When the men return to the mainland, they part ways. The first man goes to eat the deer again at a local restaurant. He takes one bite, then jumps off a bridge.

In heaven, an angel asks him why.

“Well you see,” he answered, “that man was a tribal cannibal. Delicious in my wife’s meat, though.”

Roses are red, I don't know why, Living is hard, I want to die.

My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

Because it died.

What’s the difference between prison and concentration camps?

At least you don’t die when you shower.

"If all of these structures break we will all die."

And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"

And he said, "It would be breaking news."

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

His Windows update wasn't available.

How did Stephen Hawking die? Because he didn't charge his batteries.

Who is the biggest slut in the world? Ms. Pacman, because you give her 25 cents and she swallows balls until she dies.

My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!