Die jokes
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.
We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.
We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!
My departed uncle was a circus clown before he died.
So all his friends came in one car.
I want to die.
Race car backwards is race car.
Race car sideways is how Paul Walker died.
There are three people on an island. One dies, and the second guy goes to bury them. He comes back with deer meat. The first guy eats it, but the second guy refuses the meal.
When the men return to the mainland, they part ways. The first man goes to eat the deer again at a local restaurant. He takes one bite, then jumps off a bridge.
In heaven, an angel asks him why.
“Well you see,” he answered, “that man was a tribal cannibal. Delicious in my wife’s meat, though.”
Roses are red, I don't know why, Living is hard, I want to die.
My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Because it died.
What’s the difference between prison and concentration camps?
At least you don’t die when you shower.
"If all of these structures break we will all die."
And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"
And he said, "It would be breaking news."
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
His Windows update wasn't available.
How did Stephen Hawking die? Because he didn't charge his batteries.
Who is the biggest slut in the world? Ms. Pacman, because you give her 25 cents and she swallows balls until she dies.
My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.
I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...
Allahu Akbar!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."
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What do you say to Stephen Hawking when he dies?
"Rust in pieces!"