I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died. -- She was eaten by a giant crab.
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
What do classical musicians do when they die?
They decompose.
What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?
"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."
For sale: Dead Canary.
Not going cheep.
