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Day jokes

Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.

“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.

The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”

Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.

The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.

“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

“No.”

The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.

“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.

“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”

“Yep.”

“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”

  • 6

    • The toilet having an argument with the toilet paper, the owner of the house had diarrhea, who's day was more shittier!?

    Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared of being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home, so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"

    Boy: Can I go to the bathroom?

    Teacher: If you sing the ABCs.

    Boy: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNORSTUVWXYZ!

    Teacher: Where’s the P?

    Boy: In my pants! Lol. That’s all mates! Have a good day! (Or night)

    So I added Paul Walker on Xbox the other day, and it’s annoying cause all he does is sit on the dashboard.

  • 0

    • A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping. The boy asks, "What is that man doing?" The mom says, "Making pizza," trying to turn him away.

    The son sees a dog fucking another dog and he asks the same thing. She says, "Making extra cheese." When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says, "Ordering the pizza."

    Later that day, the mother says to the father, "I think I want to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, don't know why that sounds good."

    So that night, the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs, "Wanna order some pizza!?"

    The mother replied, "DON'T WORRY I'M MAKING SOME!"

    The son's voice followed, "I'M ADDING EXTRA CHEESE!"

    A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"

    The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."

    The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."

  • 6

    • I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!

    Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “Whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down.” One kid stepped up and slid down. He wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.

    The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money. He then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”

    I got fired from a pickle factory for getting my finger caught in a slicer. They only gave *her* the day off with pay... unfair!

    I still to this day remember my grandpa's last words.

    "I'M ALLERGIC TO FUCKING CATS!"

    Dad: My kid just said "butch," but since he is a kid, he said a bad word on accident.

    *The next day*

    Uncle: F*CK!

    One day there was a boy who needed the toilet, so he goes to his teacher and asks if he can go to the toilet. The teacher says "yes, but before you go, what are the first 3 letters in the alphabet?" The boy replies, "I don't know, miss..." The teacher says that he will have to wait.

    Later, the boy goes home to his mom who is on the phone. He asks, "What is the first letter in the alphabet?" His mom says, "Oh, shut up!" So the boy goes to his dad who is playing darts and says, "What is the second letter in the alphabet?" His dad says "180!" So the boy goes to his sister who is playing with her Barbies. The boy asks, "What is the 3rd letter in the alphabet?" The sister says, "I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world!"

    The next day, the boy goes to school and needs the toilet again, so he goes to ask if he can go, and the teacher says, "Yes, but before you go, what are the 3 letters in the alphabet?" The boy says, "Oh, shut up!" The teacher is angry about that, so she says, "What is the second one?" "180!" says the boy, and the teacher asks him where he is from, and the boy says, "I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world!"

    The end.

    So, I was walking down the path of my life with Bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his.

    One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, "You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?"

    He then looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Raw!"