Dais jokes

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."

Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.

The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."

My mother was suffering from menstrual pain. So I fucked her for 7 hours to ease her pain. I continued to do so for the next 6 days. Even after fucking her 51 times during her 7-day period, I fucked her 5-6 times a day for the next three months and stopped her period for 9 months! Only her son can understand and ease the pain of a mother.

Why doesn't Jesus participate in Battle Raps?

All his comebacks take three days..

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

What holiday can an orphan not celebrate?

Mother's Day and Father's Day.

Me going to jail for telling the orphan he has 363 days because mothers and Father’s Day.

My friend said an apple a day keeps the orphan away. I said only if you throw it hard enough.

Scientists say a banana a day is great for the colon.

But you gotta eat it!

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

I threw a lamp at a depressed kid and tried to brighten up his day.

Your hairline goes so far back that even God said, "I learned about it in my days."

I don't see why people these days choose their gender. There's only two, it's Nerf or nothing! (I'm just joking, I honestly don't care.)

I threw a lamp at a depressed kid. I was just trying to brighten up his day.

What's a chicken's deadliest day?

Friday.

Hey guys, how was your day?

If you ask me the same question, here's the answer: depressing.

I still haven't made any friends on this app. All I do is read and comment on old jokes or opinions.

Went to see a psychic the other day.

I knocked on the door, and she said, "Who is it?"

So I turned around and left.

When the quiet kid tells you not to go to school the next day, but your mom makes you go anyway.

So, one day a teacher asked, "How many of you have thought of committing suicide?" Half of the class raised their hand, but the teacher said, "Where are Jesse and John?"

Why was everybody so tired on April 1st? Because they just finished a March of 31 days!

The guy in the wheelchair at my gym can do so many pull-ups with the wheelchair on, but I said to him, "Don't skip leg day."