Your mom is so ugly when she tried to enter the ugly contest, they said they don't allow professionals.
Comedy Jokes
What's the difference between a boomerang and parents to an orphan?
The boomerang comes back.
Q: How are Asians like a box of chocolates?
A: Either way they'll kill your dog.
So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network.
The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can't cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can't f*ck."
Your Mama so fat, when she fell on the sidewalk, nobody laughed but the sidewalk cracked up.
Why do orphans not know if they're lactose intolerant?
Because their dad never came back with milk.
What's an orphan's favorite movie?
"Spider-Man: Homecoming."
Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"
Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."
Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?
What do you call a kid in a wheelchair?
TIMMAHHHH!
A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."
We see the movie Aladdin, and Abu steals more than Aladdin. I’m surprised that Abu hasn’t gotten killed yet.
what's worse than a baby in a trash can? A baby in two trash cans.
You're so fat,
when you stepped on the scale,
Buzz Lightyear came out and said,
"To infinity and beyond!"
What's an Indian's favorite store?
Red Dot.
I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"
He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"
Me: “You guys wanna know a cool fact?”
Friend 1: “Yeah.”
Friend 2: “Yea.”
Me: “Japan is RIGHT that way. If we swim all night...we’ll be able to get to Japan.”
Friend 3: “I love anime.”
Friend 1 & 2: “Nononononononononono!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Me: *Laughs at Friend 3*
Everyone tells me I need to stop making prostitute jokes.
I guess they're whore-ible.
Your mum is so overdue on eBay for £2 so she could get a male stripper.
Why don't paralyzed people laugh?
They hate stand-up comedy.
