Canning jokes

What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.

"In chess, a queen can move in more directions than the king."

I mean, yeah, the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor, so-

My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

What's the difference between a bird and a kid on the roof?

The bird can fly off the roof.

Why can't orphans sleep? Nobody can tuck them in.

What music do depressed people listen to?

"I Believe I Can Fly."

Why go across town when you can go across the hall?

Who can jump the highest? Depressed asses, some say they’re still in the air.

Hey, can I tell you a pizza joke?

Nah, it's too cheesy.

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

Mom told me drugs are my enemies.

Jesus said to like your enemies.

Yay, I can like drugs then!

Hey! My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

I'm not completely useless; I can be used as a bad example.

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because they can never find home.

Why do women like Pac-Man so much?

How else can you get eaten three times for a quarter?

Children are like farts.

You can only tolerate your own.

I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.

Like it’s my next meal.

On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?

"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"