Canning jokes

On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

What animal can jump the highest?

Emo kids because once they go up they never come back.

Guy 1: Hey, can you stop making 9/11 jokes? My dad died during it.

Guy 2: Sorry, I will stop. What was your dad?

Guy 1: The pilot. He saw a KFC and wanted it, so, well, you know.

Why are women’s feet so small?

So they can stand closer to the sink.

Opposite day be like in doors.

Figure: Finally, I can see.

Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.

Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.

Eyes: 😭

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a homeless shelter?

You can shit a load inside of a prostitute, but if you try it in a shelter, you get arrested.

My uncle is an alchemist.

He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.

Jamal: Dads CAN grow on trees, Joseph.

Joseph: No, they don't.

Jamal: Yes, they do. I've seen it.

Joseph: ... that's not what you thought it was.

What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.

"In chess, a queen can move in more directions than the king."

I mean, yeah, the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor, so-

My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

What's the difference between a bird and a kid on the roof?

The bird can fly off the roof.

Why can't orphans sleep? Nobody can tuck them in.

What music do depressed people listen to?

"I Believe I Can Fly."

Why go across town when you can go across the hall?

Who can jump the highest? Depressed asses, some say they’re still in the air.

Hey, can I tell you a pizza joke?

Nah, it's too cheesy.

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

Mom told me drugs are my enemies.

Jesus said to like your enemies.

Yay, I can like drugs then!