Canning jokes
People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.
They can stay in their living room.
My friend Liam has a hairline [if you can even call it a hairline] so bad it keeps going back for miles.
Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!
What is Green and Red and goes round and round?
A frog in a blender.
(this next one is pretty bad, and I don't mean it, so don't get offended)
What's the difference between a Mexican and a park bench?
One can support an average family.
Why do ducks have feathers? So they can cover their butt quacks.
Memes
I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.
"In chess, a queen can move in more directions than the king."
I mean, yeah, the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor, so-
What music do depressed people listen to?
"I Believe I Can Fly."
Jamal: Dads CAN grow on trees, Joseph.
Joseph: No, they don't.
Jamal: Yes, they do. I've seen it.
Joseph: ... that's not what you thought it was.
Why can't orphans sleep? Nobody can tuck them in.
My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.
What's the difference between a bird and a kid on the roof?
The bird can fly off the roof.
Opposite day be like in doors.
Figure: Finally, I can see.
Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.
Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.
Eyes: 😭
Can you go as a horse for Halloween?
Well, if you do, I can't wait to ride you!
My uncle is an alchemist.
He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.
Who can jump the highest? Depressed asses, some say they’re still in the air.
Hey, can I tell you a pizza joke?
Nah, it's too cheesy.
What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they can never find home.