Canning jokes
Can an orphan go to a family restaurant?
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
"Don't worry, you can keep the tip."
What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
Why are orphans prostitutes?
So they can call someone "daddy."
Do you know why the Royal family can no longer play Monopoly?
How do you think Princess Diana died?
...Too soon?
Memes
A guy walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "If I can surprise you, I get a free drink." The bartender was unsure but agreed.
The guy pulled a 30cm long pianist out of his pocket, and he starts to play.
The bartender was surprised and gave the guy a free drink.
The guy then says, "You see, I have a little wizard in my pocket that grants wishes. Can I get another free drink if you get a free wish?"
The bartender agrees without hesitation.
The bartender wishes for 1000 bucks, but he gets 1000 ducks.
"WTF!" the man shouts.
The guy answered, "Did you think I wanted a 30cm long pianist?"
One day a guy named Carson is called a jerk, and he says, "I went to a party with my girlfriend, and this random guy walks up to us and says, 'Can I borrow your girlfriend for 30 minutes?' I say yes, and he takes her upstairs. It was not only 30 minutes, but an hour. When she came back down, she was out of breath, so I knew it was a pretty intense conversation." This happens about 3 more times that night.
But as I was saying, only a nice guy would let his girlfriend make friends with other guys. 😊😇
What's big, green, has four legs, and if it falls out of a tree, it can kill you?
A pool table.
Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."
The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.
The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.
The third lady says, "I never had a husband."
The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."
They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.
The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."
"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"
Why can the orphan only go to restaurants?
Because they can't have homemade meals.
Man: Can you be my girlfriend?
Woman: I'm lesbian, sorry.
Man: Oh, here's your rope.
What type of cake can orphans not have?
Homemade.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can’t run.
Why can orphans not grow big and strong? Because they need a parent to buy them steroids.
Why is it ok to hit an orphan?
It's not like they can tell their parents.
A man gets captured by cannibals.
Every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."
What’s worse than Sally in one trash can?
Sally in 13 trash cans.
How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If it sinks it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s boy-ant (buoyant).
What is the best power that man can do? They can move the mountain with their tongue.
Your butt's so big you can slap it and ride the waves.