Canning jokes

I would like to call you as dumb as a rock, but they can hold a door open.

Yo mama so dumb, she thought "The Squid Game" was an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Why can orphans just be gay?

Cause they want to call somebody "daddy."

What two things can you never have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner!

A disabled man stands up.

A blind man says, "You can stand?"

A deaf man says, "You can see?"

A mute person says, "You can hear?"

The disabled man says, "You can talk!"

Doctor: "What the actual f**k"

Why can orphans only use Samsung?

Because they don't have a home button.

Son: Hey, Dad, I'm cold. Can you give me a lift from work?

Dad: Hi Cold, nice to meet you. Sorry, I don't pick up strangers.

Son: I hate you!

What is the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg, but you can't beat your...

Why can orphans type? Because they can’t find the home row.

What’s the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg.

My sis said only garlic and onions can make you cry.

So I threw an orange at her.

I can tell you an airplane joke, but it will probably fly over your head.

I got a job at the can factory, but it is soda-pressing.

Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.

What is a guide dog 🐶 that cannot walk? A useless guide 🐶.

Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?

What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?

He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”

A homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge.

A homeless man is walking along a road and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"

"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.

"Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."

*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

There was a man who had just moved from a foreign country. He just moved into his apartment and was watching his favorite TV shows. The first one was "me-me-me, me-me-me, me-me-me-me-me-me-me," the second one was "forks and knives, forks and knives, all I use is forks and knives," and the last one was "BRING IT ON, FAT MAN!!"

There had been a murder in the area, and the man was walking in the park when a cop showed up and asked him, "Sir, have you seen this man?" and held up a photo. The man said "me-me-me, me-me-me, me-me-me-me-me-me-me." The cop said, "Sir, what did you use?" and the man said "forks and knives, forks and knives, all I use is forks and knives." After that, the cop said, "Sir, I'm going to have to arrest you," and the man said "BRING IT ON, FAT MAN!!" The screen goes black, and all you can here "chk-chk. BANG"