Canning jokes

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

Why do they put barcodes on the ships in Norway?

Why?

So when they come into port, they can Scan-de-navian.

Why tie when you can knot?

Why did the orphan cross the road?

So he can be hit by a car and be reunited with his parents.

Are you going to jump? Can I jump with you?

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

Yo momma's so fat, when she gets an abortion, she can feed the entire country of Africa leftovers.

What’s one thing that an orphan can never get in poker?

A full house.

What is the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

Yo mama's so poor that when I was walking down the street, I saw her kicking the trash can, and I asked, "What are you doing?" She said, "I'm moving!"

Wife, I look fat, can you compliment me?

Blind husband says, "You have perfect eyesight!"

Why can orphans never walk home?

Because there's no way to go.

You know you have weird Indian parents when you can hear them canilingus each other.

Cool people: I can do anything.

Normal people: I can do nothing.

What is the similarity between math and buildings?

Two parallel lines can be intersected by a plane.

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

I love sucking on food because if you really think about it, tits can be counted as food, so I could technically suck on a woman's tits.

Your hairline is pushed back; we can see what you are thinking of.