Canning jokes

Why did God steal a rib from Adam and make a woman out of it?

God wanted to show that nothing sensible can come of stealing!

Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.

Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏

Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

There's only 3 types of people: the ones who can count and the ones that can't.

It's easy to tell if a skeleton is lying to you because you can see right through them.

Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.

How can you tell your best friend is gay?

His meat tastes like shit.

What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?

"Where are the kids?"

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

Wanna play dolls?

I can be Ken, and you can be the box I come in.

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

"Nice pants. Can I test the zipper?"

What’s something you can say in bed and in a Zoom meeting?

"Do you want the cameras on or off?"

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

I’m really good at algebra. I can replace your X without even asking Y.

What is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

What's the difference between a Russian potato and a U.S. potato?

The U.S. potato can still compete in the Special Olympics.

When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.

So they can let me down one last time.

Why can orphans only watch G-rated movies?

Because they have no parental guidance.

Knock knock. Who's there? It's the police... Who? It's the police, let me in so I can get some donuts!

I threw a dodgeball at a blind kid and got him out... guess I can say he didn't see it coming!